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« Uusin viesti kirjoittanut Kayla 14.12.2025, 21:19 »
Healing hurts.
It hit me like sucker bunch. I didn’t see coming. On an ordinary Friday night.
I think I was doing the dishes. I see mom coming back from the store. With a case of beer. Like a million times before. But this time it hit different. It is not a secret that my folks are alcoholics, it has always been very clear. But in my brains there was a little voice, protecting me, whispering ”they would step up if it came to that”.
Well, here we are. If there was ever a moment, this would be it. But no. The cold reality is my mom and dad would rather set the house on fire, and watch it burn with their children in it, than give up beer.
After all, their first born was already laid to eternal rest, almost exactly a year ago. Their second born in the hospice. Dad going through kemo as we speak. Me? I’m mentally checked out. Fatiqued. Tired. But invisible, like always.
And there is mom with beer in both hands, one for her, one for dad.
After the dishes I went into my childhood bedroom, closet the door, sat on my bed. Tears starts running down my cheecks, I cry quietly. I put my classes on the nightstand. My belly feels hard and like I’m about to be sick. I’m not trying to fight it. But I just feel so beaten down that I fall on my back on the bed and let the tears come. There is no point in wiping the tears away, that will only result in eyes being red longer.
Then I feel a huge mass moving around my belly area. I’m not sure what is going on, but I only manage to bearly take a breath and the mass is almost ripped out of me. My body shakes, muscles vibe a little when the mass comes lose leaving an empty space in it’s place. I stare at the cealing when the empty space is filled with a new substance. I like this. What is it? Is this peace? Is this what peace feels like?
Whatever that was, it didn’t last long and was over before I could react to it. I didn’t feel like crying anymore. The dark cloud that use to follow me is not there anymore. The heavines is gone. Eveything has changed, and it only took seconds..
Wasn’t sure what to do next.
Then the thought I had avoided thinking landed on the part of my brain that takes care of me. I can finally admit to myself, that I am going to outlive them all... and I’m fine with it. I didn’t feel bad anymore. I sat up, now sitting on the side of my bed, swinging my legs.
The TV in the living room is so loud, like every time when my parents start drinking. My mom practically yelling over the TV, dad is half deaf, no wonder why. They have no idea what is happening in their house. They never did. I check the time. 6 o’clock. Okay, there is two or three hours until mom is so drunk she will get sick and have to be carried to bed. That task falls on me of course. I had some time for myself.
What to do, what to do. I look around my room. I need some fresh air.
My mind has never been this clear as I take walk around the farm. The options run through my mind, I could move abroad, work. Or get into a school, or a university. But I already tried those things, I already know how it’s going to end. I’ll get bored before the end of the first year in a new study or work. It has happened over and over again. I would like to try something different for once.
I kick a rock a long the road as I walk past the neighbors house. Their house looks quiet. Their dad has long ago moved into a nursing home, since their oldest son is unable to care for him alone. He is now the only one left.
Thats where the path of thought is leading me. Maybe I am exactly where I need to be. Think about it. Soon I’ll be the only alive sibling, dad is terminal. Mom is showing no signs of slowing down drinking. If this farm ends up in my name, could I think of something to do with it?
I’ve walked the around the property, I can see the house, the yard, the old barn, the forest behind it.
Yeah, there are so many things I could of think of building here, given the change. I should look into business education.
This feels exciting…
Tuoreimmat viestit
